Just as hearing certain songs can instantly transport us to times gone by; there are some cinematic experiences that will always contain the stamp of the film’s initial viewing. However, it’s more than just remembering the first time you saw a movie. Some films carry with them attributes that are almost impossible to describe, an “it factor” that serves as a perfect culmination of the movie’s content and where you happen to be in your own life. It’s a little cinematic synergy, if you will, that makes that particular flick special to you in ways that aren’t always easy to put into available words. It just clicks. You know them when you find them, and, as the film geeks we are, you cherish them deeply.
For me, Amy Heckerling’s Clueless is one of those movies.
In the summer of 1995, my family had taken a brief respite to the small city of Flagstaff, Arizona. I remember distinctly that it was the month of July, because it was that long stretch of the season that tends to be almost creepily hot. When I wasn’t spending my time by the pool or trying to raise money to buy a new Super Nintendo game, I was most typically glued to MTV. I know it may seem weird to the kids of today, but the once proud network had not yet slipped into the reality TV abyss and was still pumping out some pretty hip content. Even as a kid, I wasn’t particularly one to fall for ad campaigns or the latest trends, but somewhere in the midst of Road Rules reruns and Blind Melon videos, I started to take notice MTV was aggressively promoting this teen flick about a Beverly Hills mallrat.
After about a week of getting inundated with Alicia Silverstone (who I had previously only known as “that Aerosmith girl”), I caved and cajoled my mom into taking me to Flagstaff’s little theater to see the movie.
…and dare I say? It was love at first sight.
Everything about Clueless spoke to me. The language, the flippant humor combined with a very intellectual tongue-in-cheek sensibility, and characters that seemed larger than life, yet shockingly relatable. I was obsessed. I would quote the film with my friends endlessly, and spent my share of days dreaming that I could befriend a girl as fabulous as Cher. Or hell, even better, that maybe I could even be as fabulous as Cher.
I know, I know.
But, look, I think the notion of seeing Cher Horowitz as some sort of guru is not unfamiliar to most of us. And by “us,” I’m not just talking about gay men who idolize their women. I’m instead referring to that one girl who rocked everyone’s adolescence. She was the teen queen who we either wanted to be or wanted to be with. She’s the girl who set the standard and from which the entire social hierarchy of school sprung. The jocks may have been the school’s “champs,” but it was really she who held dominion over those halls.
That’s why I think Alicia Silverstone’s Cher lands so easily into the hearts of viewers, because on some level, she’s not unfamiliar. Rather, she’s a time-honored archetype of teen cinema, rebuffed for the 90s generation. Perhaps kinder than some prior incarnations, we saw a bit of a goddess and a bit of a truth in that character. Furthermore, since we all lived through the high school experience, I think we saw a queen whose halls we may have rather lived in than what may have been reality.
Simply put, Cher was the teen queen of her generation, and we learned a lot from her reign.
However, in thinking about Cher Horowitz’s dominion over the high schools of celluloid past, it made me start to reflect on some of the cinematic sovereigns that came before and after her. Who were some of the other queens who ruled their schools? And, if every kingdom imparts wisdom on its subjects, what did we learn from them?
As such, while my dear ghoulfriend Peaches Christ gears up to present Clueless in a fashion befitting a queen of her caliber, I thought it would be fun to take a jog through the movies to look at some of Cher’s contemporaries. Examining both expected and unconventional sources, I hand-selected some of the best examples of girls who ruled their school, as well as provide kernels of what budding queens could learn from them.
Some of these girls ruled with a kind hand, but most did not, and therein comes some of the greatest revelations of our own teenage trappings. This list, provided in no particular order, examines the reigns of some of teenage cinema’s most fierce tyrants and beneficent beauties. I admit my own connection to the reign of Cher (who we’ll discuss more below), but is she the queen I most relate to, or just simply the one I wish my high school had? What about you?
Tell me, who rules your school?
=
Mean Girls
She Who Rules the School: Regina George (as portrayed by Rachel McAdams)
What We Learned from Her Reign: On Wednesdays, we wear pink.
The 411: In addition to the importance of coordinating your clique’s fashion sense, one of the most crucial lessons one takes away from “The Plastics” of 2004’s Mean Girls is the delicate art of the burn. Of course, so significant is the impact of this Tina Fey-scripted film to the zeitgeist that it seems almost redundant to discuss Mean Girls with a readership that can probably quote the movie better than I can. However, in considering the world of teen queens, one simply cannot overlook this movie’s statement on teenage fiefdoms, let alone its own ruling body that manifests itself in the form of the delightfully wicked Regina George. In perhaps her finest role, Rachel McAdams delivers the character of Regina with such sugary venom, that within seconds of her introduction, there is little question the type of girl with which we’re dealing. Instantly antagonistic to Lindsay Lohan’s Cady, Regina is unique in that her particular style of viciousness is not dictated by flagrant aggression, but rather is executed via precise system of rules. In maintaining a strict system of intricate, and almost impossible to follow, mandates, Regina ensures that her subjects are always bending to her will. More so, when they cannot keep up with her impossible edicts, she takes delight in making them pay. Regina George is the most calculating and wicked kind of queen, because it’s certainly hard to argue with structure. Regina George is a girl with a system, and if you don’t follow it, well…to borrow a phrase: “You can’t sit with us.”
=
Jennifer’s Body
She Who Rules the School: Jennifer Check (as portrayed by Megan Fox)
What We Learned from Her Reign: Don’t kill people, kill boys.
The 411: Diablo Cody’s tale of a popular girl possessed may not have been an instant horror classic upon its release, but in recent years Jennifer’s Body has been gaining new traction with genre fans for its understated brilliance. Quite simply put, I love this damn movie. I think it is every inch a significant contribution to the pantheon of fright flicks, and not just because of its razor sharp wit. What Cody and director Karyn Kusama deliver is more than just a film that sells the notion that “Hell is a teenage girl,” but rather a whole exposé on the feral dynamics of female friendship. When uber-popular Jennifer becomes one with darkness after a botched Satanic ritual, it’s up to her mousy friend, Needy (Amanda Seyfried), to try and stop her from killing all the boys in school. As good horror is supposed to do, the demon becomes representative of something else, and we see the cruelty of emotional degradation personified to a terrifying degree. As a demon, Jennifer is only a heightened version of the girl she was before, taking, using, and throwing away what she wants when it is convenient to her appetites. For girls like Needy living in the shadow of girls like Jennifer, high school is Hell, even if your best friend isn’t the inferno incarnate. However, supernatural elements aside, Jennifer Check is believable as a teen queen, because she’s a girl who not only takes what she wants, but often is given it without question. Sometimes, to rule the school, one need not find the devil within themselves, but merely exploit the sins of an already fractured world around them.
=
The Breakfast Club
She Who Rules the School: Claire Standish (as portrayed by Molly Ringwald)
What We Learned from Her Reign: You don’t know how hard it is to be perfect.
The 411: I don’t mean to oversell this, but Molly Ringwald is, without a doubt, the most important teenager in the history of modern Western cinema. Through the lens of prolific filmmaker John Hughes, Ringwald encapsulated the teenage experience for a whole generation of kids, and her work in such fare as Sixteen Candles and Pretty in Pink continues to connect with audiences throughout the decades. While definitively 80s, Hughes, and by proxy, Ringwald, showcased that the struggles and celebrations of our teenage years are transcendent of time and/or situation. Though all of Ringwald’s roles offer important nuggets of wisdom in the high school hierarchy, none so firmly resonate the impact of ruling the school quite like her portrayal of Claire Standish in Hughes’ The Breakfast Club. A self-proclaimed “princess,” Claire is the popular girl who slowly reveals her desire to make a real connection. Unlike some of the other queens on this list, we only get a single day’s glimpse into Claire’s world, and while our time in Saturday detention is brief, it’s also very revealing of the trappings of the social caste system in the halls beyond. Claire’s desire to be more than what is expected of her is directly conflicted by her assertion that, come Monday, each of the kids in detention must return to their proper place. It’s a harsh dose of reality that few teen films dare tackle, and it’s an honesty for which Hughes must be commended. More so, it leaves the audience questioning why we allow ourselves to subscribe to such confining mindsets as teenagers and beyond. In being a fairly relatable, yet ambivalent teen queen, Claire reveals the most jarring truth of them all: It is hard to be perfect…and we shouldn’t have to be.
=
Jawbreaker
She Who Rules the School: Courtney Shayne (as portrayed by Rose McGowan)
What We Learned From Her Reign: When you walk into school, you strut down those halls like everything is peachy-fucking-keen.
The 411: Darren Stein’s tale of the cruel politics of high school has risen to cult film status since its release in 1999, and that’s due in no small part to the force of nature that is Courtney Shayne. Played by the always dynamic Rose McGowan, Courtney serves as a not so gentle reminder that life (and death) can be a bitch if you’re friends with one. Ruling her social clique with an iron-fist, Courtney is an alt-scene goddess with a penchant for cruelty, kinky sex, and social degradation. Unlike some of her demon-possessed counterparts on this list, the most frightening fact about Courtney Shayne is that she could easily exist in the real world, which is why I’d be quick to name her the girl of every high school kid’s nightmares. Perhaps the most chilling thing about Courtney, however, is the lesson of façade which she imparts to her underlings over the course of the film. The unfortunate reality of teenagers perpetuating an image to fit in is exemplified to a gruesome degree in Jawbreaker, and reminds us that the masks we wear can become our true faces if we’re not careful. In the kingdom of Courtney Shayne, these masks are taken to the utmost extent, and donning a cool demeanor means you can get away with anything…even murder.
=
Hello Mary Lou: Prom Night II
She Who Rules the School: Mary Lou Maloney (as portrayed by Lisa Schrage)
What We Learned from Her Reign: It’s not who you come with, it’s who takes you home.
The 411: When it comes to supernatural high school sovereignty, you’d think our old pal Jennifer Check would have it held down as the numero uno Hell bitch to wear a dance formal crown, but she certainly has serious competition in the form of Mary Lou Maloney. When she’s killed after a prank on prom night goes horribly awry, one would think it would be the end of the new inducted prom queen Mary Lou. However, as tends to happen in tales such as this, Mary Lou isn’t quite content with the grave, and comes back 30 years later for a rollicking, bloody good time. Although vengeance is a key motivator to Mary Lou’s actions, one can’t also help but recognize her persistence as an admirable trait. Committed to having her prom come (actual) Hell or high water, Mary Lou teaches wannabe queens that you can’t take your defeats lying down…even if where you’re lying is six feet under. Furthermore, as the old Prom Night edict goes, “It’s not who you come with, it’s who takes you home.” A queen is only ever as good as her accessories, and sometimes that means your date, too. If you are not to be deterred on your path to royalty, you occasionally have to be willing to upgrade. So, take a cue from Mary Lou, because going after you what you want is as simple as not taking “no” for an answer. However, a relentless demeanor can occasionally be the cause of its own mischief, which leads us to…
=
Heathers
She Who Rules the School: All of them.
What We Learned from Their Reign: “If you want to fuck with the eagles, you’ve got to learn how to fly.”
The 411: Few tales of the grand pecking order of high school compare with Heathers, which is inarguably the godmother of films about teenage bitchery. Written by Daniel Waters and directed by Michael Lehmann, Heathers follows Veronica (Winona Ryder) and the titular “Heathers” (Shannen Doherty, Lisanne Falk, and Kim Walker) as they vie to rule the school, even in the face of their untimely deaths at the hands of an outcast (Christian Slater). There is no one queen at play here, though one could make the argument for each of the Heathers, but rather a bizarre dance of defamation and death (both social and literal) orchestrated by several powerful homeroom monarchs. Heathers laid the groundwork for later films like Jawbreaker and Mean Girls by doing what few teen films prior dared: Showcasing the battle for popularity as if it was an actual warzone. With reputations the weapons and the school as a killing field, Heathers personified the notion that, yes, our “teen angst bullshit has a body count,” and what it may mean to be one of the causalities left in its wake. The lesson for budding queens here is simple: You can have your kingdom if you want it badly enough, but if you stop at nothing to get it, you may not like what you become. Worse still, others may not like it either, and be willing to remove you from your position. Permanently.
=
Clueless
She Who Rules the School: Cher Horowitz (as portrayed by Alicia Silverstone)
What We Learned from Her Reign: Don’t rely on mirrors, always take polaroids*.
*Cher was on the cutting edge of selfie culture.
The 411: In retrospect, with the odd exception, it occurs to me that Alicia Silverstone’s bubbly Cher Horowitz may be the one of the few teen queens on this list that was actually a decent human being. I suppose I could have broadened the spectrum, but let’s face it: High school is cruel, and there are a lot more Heathers out there than Chers. However, with that being said, Cher’s not entirely out of the park in terms of social debauchery. Her attempt to reinvent the innocent Tai (Brittany Murphy) in her own fabulous image speaks to a certain reticence to accept individuality, and her clique categorization at the film’s onset also suggests the same. However, through her follies, Cher comes to celebrate the differences of her peers, and ensures her popularity in the school is stronger than ever. I suppose, of all the queens on this list, Cher is the one we should all aspire most to be, because while she is all about the righteous celebration of one’s own fabulousness, by the film’s end she encourages others to do the same. Whereas many of the others relied on the social hierarchy to ensure their reign would go uninterrupted, Cher urges us all to get a clue: The coolest thing to be is you.
